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Friday, November 7th, 2014
9:39 pm - Nearly dying is just not what I thought it would be...
Ok...  I’ve got a question for everyone out there.  I nearly died a year ago.  I did not have the typical “Near Death Experience.”  In fact I don’t believe I had anything like the NDEs that I have heard about.  But then I was so drugged out of my head because of pain that I just don’t remember about 2 weeks of my life.  As far as I remember I was in ER, then I was in Telemetry about 14 days later.  No time seemed to have passed to me.  It is like I went to sleep and woke up there.  But I am told I was conscious and interacting during the intervening time.

All I know is that I am very different now.  But it ain’t “love and light” like everyone talks about with NDE’s.  I don’t feel more loving to my fellow human.  I don’t feel more sympathetic or understanding.  I don’t love everyone.  I don’t feel more spiritual.  I don’t have less fear of death (don’t have more fear either).

What I do have is an absolute inability to tolerate the bull$h!t that I had been putting up with.  All my patience went out the window.  And I just CANNOT deal with all the nonsense that has been going on around me for years.  All I want to do is grab certain people by their collars and (excuse the language here) bitch-slap them into next week.

I am so sick of Bull$h!t that I feel like I woke up in that hospital into a brain that is finally working -- and that I had spent all the previous years of my adult life asleep.  Or so dang close to it that it makes no difference.  I feel like when I woke up in Telemetry that I woke up for the first time.  And that I was surrounded in my family and friends by dumb a$$es and criminals.  The only exception to this being my cousin Teresa and my dogs.  Heck, the houseplants on my porch seem to have more common sense than most of the people I have called family and friends.

So what the hell happened to me?  This is not the reaction most people have to a NDE.  Or do only the people that see the light and the tunnel get all “mellow.”  All I got was angry.  But then I do have to admit that the anger is probably justified.  I have allowed things to go on and looked the other way that I should have bitch-slapped someone for a long long long long long time ago.  And I do appear to have a criminal in my close family.  Sadly I don’t have enough proof to take to court.  Would if I could.  Maybe I did just wake up.  Maybe I did....   

current mood: annoyed

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Monday, May 5th, 2014
10:17 am - More reflections on, "don't sweat the small stuff."
Been thinking about my last post.  And...  I guess it does make sense.

The idea of, “don’t sweat the small stuff...”  I keep thinking that this is supposed to apply to me.  That people that nearly die would not look at the small things as so big any longer.  But...  In my case...  I think that I kind of had already incorporated the idea of, “don’t sweat the small stuff” in my life already.  The problem is that I had taken it too far.  I was trying to apply, “don’t sweat the small stuff...” to, “big stuff.”  And I think when I nearly left this world some part of my mind re-evaluated things.

I think what happens to most people who have a close brush with death...  I think that it causes the person to re-evaluate their life.  And since most people do get all upset about lots of stuff they should just brush off and take with a grain of salt...  The new priorities that they gain from insights that come from a close call make them more mellow.

I, on the other hand, have spent my life brushing everything off -- no matter how serious the situation is in reality.  When I took a step back and took a long look at my priorities in life...  Well, I realized that I have been ignoring events that are serious and need to be dealt with because it was easier to ignore them.  I was trying so dang hard to be, “positive” that I was creating a very bad negative environment in my life by letting the people doing bad things just continue doing them.

Allowing negativity to thrive by whistling in the dark and pretending to ignore the bad stuff...  That is not being positive.  It is just enabling darkness in one’s life. 

current mood: thoughtful

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Sunday, April 27th, 2014
10:14 am - Strange...
Late last year I got sick and almost died.  I have always heard that after such a near death kind of thing (nope no tunnel or light or anything like that -- I just mean the fact I missed dying by a hair's breath).  That after something like that most people say that they are changed.  A phrase I read a lot is that they no longer, "sweat the small stuff."  Or something like that.  That almost dying makes them see all of life as beautiful and precious and they are much more laid back and mellow.  Or sometimes they get motivated to do something special.  Or something like that.  It makes them more able to deal with what life throws at them.  Everything else, after nearly dying, just seems trivial.

Well....  Not me... It just pissed me off.

All the bull $h!t in my life that I kept making excuses for so it would be easier on other people and behaviors by people around me that I kept painting pretty colors when it was anything but pretty...  I just cannot tolerate now.  All the petty bull that is flying all around me is just not tolerable any longer.  My bull $h!t meter has had it's tolerance reset to zero.

Every time someone has the rudeness to say so-and-so said, "blah blah blah."  But she did not really mean it.  She is just trying to put her family first.  Or some other colorwashed excuse...  I just cannot smile and nod and pretend it's really all ok.  I used to.  To make other people's live easier.  But I just cannot.  I simply cannot abide the lies and the pettiness.  And in some cases, I suspect, actual criminal behavior.  Sadly I don't have enough evidence to take it to the authorities.  Sadly.

My ability to tolerate mountains of bull poop died but I did not.  Quite a combination that has become.  I thought nearly dying was supposed to make one mellow full of good cheer.  It just pissed me off. 

current mood: pissed off

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Tuesday, April 8th, 2014
11:15 am - Physical Therapy
Well, I started physical therapy two weeks ago.  And it is making a difference.  Amazing.  I had kind of thought that I'd be ok on my own.  I had sets of exercises I did fairly often before I had the surgery.  And I figured I could just start those exercises with small weights and less repetitions.  But no.  That did not work.  So I am taking physical therapy.  The lady showed me some exercises to do that seem to be able to target just the right muscles and increase strength slowly.  It is going to still be probably a year before I am back to anywhere near normal strength.  And I don't know what is going to happen in the long run.  As I was quite a bit beyond "normal" strength for my body size before this happened.  Time will tell.

The lady thinks that it is possible that the reason doing my own exercises did not work is not that I was doing anything wrong.  But that perhaps I had been trying to exercise too soon.  I was given no guidance from the medical folks.  They said I would need to do exercises to get strong.  But they gave me no guidance as to what I could do and what not.  The PT lady thinks that perhaps I was just starting exercises too early and expecting too much too soon.  But I kinda think that it is her skill in PT therapy that is making the difference.

We have lots of birds (even humming birds) now.  I guess something like spring is showing up here.  

current mood: cheerful

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Friday, March 28th, 2014
4:02 pm - ...
My cousin says I should write here and keep a journal again.  I don't know if I want to do that or not.  But I thought I should at least give it a try.  Teresa is sick with a bug today.  I guess spring is bug time.  I think that spring colds are worse than winter ones.  Don't know why.  I made her soup.  When I was in Germany as an exchange student.  (And no I never did really get good at German -- but I learned a lot of other stuff as an exchange student.)  When I was there they had this soup they made for people when they were sick.  It was a variation on the American standard of chicken soup.  But they made it with oatmeal instead of noodles or plain broth.  And I have found over the years that it sets way better on an unhappy tummy than noodle soup.  It is really simple.  Chicken broth -- home made, canned, stock for cooking recipes or even those cube things -- then put in a small handful of oatmeal and let simmer till the oats are nearly dissolved.  Simple.  And it sets well.

Ok...  what else to say.  Raining today.  Yesterday was fairly nice.  Today is rain.  I like rain personally.  But then I live along the coast of WA so I had better.  If I did not like rain I would do well to move.  But I like rain so I am ok.

Took a gentle mild walk on Sunday.  Cannot walk far since surgery.  But that should improve.  Sunday is the day off for big trucks.  So it is a good day to go out in the woods.  The roads are narrow and Sunday is the day to avoid the worst traffic.  It was nice and the dogs liked it a lot.  Think this Sunday coming up might be too rainy for the woods.  I don't much mind but some of the roads are rough and even in Teresa's truck we almost got stuck last week and it was a nice day.  We will see.

Been thinking about what is in my head.  The concepts I live by  -- not the gray matter.  And have decided that I do what I am told way too much of the time.  I need to remember that the statement, "No." is a perfectly reasonable answer.  Especially if said politely.  Why is it considered rude to say, "No." in this society?  I wonder if it is that way in other countries than the mainland US?  Here, unless you have a very good reason, it is just considered rude to say a simple, "No."  That is weird.  So long as one does not yell or use curse words, saying, "No" should not be anything bad.  But it is.  People take it like a personal insult.  And most of the time it has nothing even to do with the person one said "No" to.  It usually -- at least with me -- has to do with my own problems or concerns or my schedule.  Or lack of time or energy.  If I don't want to do something it usually is not that I don't want to do it with the person who asked me.  Or for the person who asked me.  It is usually that I just don't like the activity or I need to be doing something else.    I guess people are just going to have to get used to me saying, "no."   Or I am going to have to get used making people annoyed.  Ah.  Well. 

current mood: contemplative

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Sunday, May 19th, 2013
4:20 pm - More on the Bulldozer incident....
Those poor people....


I can understand the interest for a couple of days.  Teresa and I even drove by it once.  But it sounds like this is getting way crazy.  But then how often does someone destroy 3 homes and damage a fourth with a piece of logging equipment?  I hope everything works out ok for everyone who had their property damaged.

current mood: confused

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Saturday, May 18th, 2013
4:53 pm - Just a Hello to everyone...
Got internet again.  But really slow compared to what we had before.  Way better than dial up used to be though.  I have not been online much.  Caught a flue again.  I guess this spring has a lot of flues going around.  So sorry if I have not answered emails and posts over on Facebook.  I did finally get the right browser and put up some Rottweiler pics on Facebook.  Or at least I think that they went up.  I do have quite a time navigating Facebook.  I just think I have got it figured out and something stumps me again.  That is why I often write here.  Livejournal just goes and posts my entry everywhere.  And then it's done.  :-)

The weather has been milder here than usual for spring.  Rainy.  But warmer.  I recall a couple of years ago I had to keep building fires in the wood stove well into June.  But this year it has been very warm.  Even a few sunny days too.

We had quite a strange incident up in Port Angeles.  Some guy went nuts with a bulldozer and wrecked several homes in about a block area on the same side of town we stay when we are up in Port Angeles. He knocked down or severely damaged four homes.  A bunch of out buildings.  Several ATV's, a boat, and squashed a F-250 truck.  Squashed it.  I saw it.  It was flat.  They might be able to save the engine to use on another truck.  But the whole back and the passenger compartment was FLAT.  Guy just lost it and went over the bend and all the way to Hell's Basement.  Damn.  And he did it all in 10 minutes.  The first 911 call came in at 12:18.  And he was arrested at 12:28.  All that in 10 minutes.  He almost killed two people.  One older gentleman had to jump out of the way.  And a 74 year old woman had to flee her house as it was being destroyed.  Total Bat $h!t Crazy.  So far they won't let him out of jail.  Thank God.

I have gotten used to living in a mostly peaceful area.  There is crime in Port Angeles and Forks.  But not often to this kind of extent.  But I guess when people do loose it they loose it in a BIG way.

Just glad no one was hurt.  Really glad.

Well I am still feeling ucky.  So off to drink tea and rest.  Hope everyone is having a nice spring.  And the world is treating all of you guys good. 

current mood: surprised

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Thursday, April 25th, 2013
9:48 am - Spring seems to be here...
Been awhile since I wrote anything.  I have been out in the sticks.  No internet out there except for the library.  So I have not been online much.  The weather has been very nice the last few days.  And a lot of flowers are blooming.  Nice to see.  I had hoped to separate the tulips last winter when they were dormant.  But just never got around to it.  The blooms are quite small because of that.  But they are still very pretty.  And hopefully late this spring I can separate the bulbs as they should be and next year they will be larger.

I wonder what it would be like to live somewhere that the weather is warmer?  I have lived my whole life in Washington and much of that in the west Olympic Peninsula  -- a temperate rainforest.  I really do love the rain.  It is soothing.  And it is nice to be somewhere that there is plenty of water.  It would be sad to not even be able to garden because of water restrictions like some places have.  But...  I have often wondered what it would be like to live somewhere that the weather is so predictably nice that one spends most of one's life out of doors.  But then again...  I guess that is unrealistic too.  i suppose if the weather were that nice -- then you'd be dealing with excessive heat.  So...  I guess where I am is the best one can get.  Fairly mild all year round.  Most years.  Though...  there can be serious cold snaps some winters.

Guess that is the update.  Spring is looking lovely.  Hope everyone out there is enjoying their spring too.

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Tuesday, February 5th, 2013
2:27 pm - At the library again...
We are still up in Forks.  No internet at the place we are staying.  So making a journal entry at the library.  We had a little windstorm last night.  But just a little one.  I've been doing a lot of walking trying to get my strength up.  It has just been a long winter with less exercise.  Today is kind of a little windy still even though most of the windstorm was last night.  It is only 2 in the afternoon but it looks like evening out.  The clouds are very dark.

It is really raining out right now.  I should have worn my hat.  But everyone gives me this strange look when I wear a hat.  It is just a cowboy hat.  Leather.  Bought it years ago.  It sheds water well.  Usually I wear it when walking.  But on rainy days it is very useful to keep the rain off one's head.  But the store clerks look like they expect me to go nuts and start raving or something.  I guess hats just are not expected any more.  Most people don't wear them.

So that is about it.  Nothing really new going on.  Just the same stuff as usual.  Time will tell. 

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Saturday, January 26th, 2013
3:43 pm - At the library today...
I am up at the library today.  Don't have internet access right now.  So doing a check in at the library.  It is nice that they have free wifi.  And Saturday hours.  It is really a nice library.  Been doing a bit of walking for my health.  Building strength.  The weather has been mild and pleasant.  There were some cold nights for a bit but now the nights are fairly mild.  Rainy and mild.  Strangely I like rain. It just suits me.  Snow is pretty.  But I don't like driving in it.  I guess I am just strange.  I like rain.  The weather has been perfect for me.  Mild and rainy.  And I guess i just don't have much interesting to write about today.  Ah well.  Everyone at least knows I am alive.  Hope everyone out there is doing good and is well and happy!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Sunday, January 20th, 2013
9:23 pm - Saw Dad today...
Dad was up today.  Had a very nice visit.  Got some stuff done that needed doing.  Then took a walk.  It was very nice weather.  Which is surprising seeing as how the rest of Western Washington seemed to be in fog.  But we had a bright and sunny day. 

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Thursday, January 10th, 2013
7:46 pm - Long day today...
Had to go out and winterize some property.  The weather report had been for mild weather -- not even frost for about a week.  So Dad and I did not do the weatherizing when he was up a couple of days ago.  We had some other things that also needed doing and with the weather forecast to be so mild we took care of the other items to be done first.  But then over 24 hours they changed the weather report from mild rainy weather without even the chance of frost...  To lows in the mid 20's for several nights.  So Teresa and I ran out and winterized.  I am really exhausted now.  But the work is done.  And that is good.

The new weather model they put into use a few years ago is crud.  I was even watching the Weather Channel a couple of years ago late one night and the middle of the night weather guy even said it does not work as well as the old one on national TV.  Though he got this strange look on his face after he said it that seemed to say...  Oooooppppssss....  I am so gonna get chewed out for that.  But say it, he did.  Not that anyone who follows the weather did not already know that.

In fact last year the new weather model put several people in very serious harms way.  They stated clearly that the weather was going to be quite pleasant until Thursday (one week in Jan of last year) and then a few hours before a terrible snow storm hit...  Uh OH....  The storm is coming in today (I think it was Sunday).  That is one big time difference.  And with today's technology we should be able to do better than that.  Well...  A group went up on Saturday for overnight snow hiking on Mt. Ranier and ended up getting snowed in and having to be rescued in terrible conditions.  It was a bad situation that would not have happened a decade ago when the old weather forecasting program was in place.  Sometimes it was wrong.  But generally only by 24-36 hours.  Not by 4 days.  If the new model is crud -- go back to the old one.  Really.  This one is junk.  Go back to the old one.

But people never do.  Go back to the old that is.  It is an unusual person who uses something new and finds it does not work as well as the old thing (now I don't mean just learning how to use the new thing -- that can take time) and is willing to go back to the old.  They almost always just put up with the flaws of the new thing.  I guess it is just human nature. 

current mood: exhausted

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Tuesday, January 8th, 2013
3:41 am - Had a nice visit with Dad
My Dad came up today and we had a nice visit.  We were taking care of his dog while he and the wife were on a vacation with her daughter and her family.  They had a very nice time.  Dad came to pick up his dog.  We took a walk and lucked out as it did not rain on us while we were walking.  It was a good day. 

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Monday, December 31st, 2012
5:33 pm - Happy New Year!!!
Well it is New Year's Eve.  Bought some snacks and going to watch TV.  Ah...  Someday I will have a regular life with New Year's Eve parties.  For now I like staying home.  It is safe.  Right now safe is good.  Also one of our dogs -- the youngest -- ate my seatbelt.  We usually take her in the pickup and the seatbelts are not as available.  But the truck needs a new battery.  And she ate my seatbelt.  Her new name is Mud.  But on the upside this is only the second really bad thing she has ever done.  And for a year old puppy that is pretty good odds.  Usually there are at least 5 really BAD things a puppy does by the end of their first year.  At least 2 pairs of shoes and a couple of electrical cords and one library book.  On average.  This girl has not been bad.  But I am not looking forward to repairing the seatbelt.  Ah well. 

But anyway...  Happy New Year!!!! 

current mood: contemplative

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Saturday, December 29th, 2012
3:28 pm - Cat....
Oh my...  We have a stuffed toy the dogs play with.  I never noticed how
much it resembles the CAT.  I was playing with the dogs and saw what I
thought was the stuffed toy and almost made a grab for it.  It turned
out to be the cat.  Thankfully for everyone, I realized my mistake in
time.  It would not have been a good thing for anyone had I not...  You
see our cat is not "understanding."  I would have pinched her...  she
would've bit me...  the dog that loves her would have been torn as to
whether to protect her or protect me...  so probably would have knocked
me over getting between the cat and me...  and my dog would have been
offended and there would have been a dog fight.  And then the coffee
table would have gone flying and the morning coffee would have covered
the livingroom.  It would have been interesting...  

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Friday, December 28th, 2012
8:18 pm - What did I do today....?
Well...  Took Teresa to the doctor.  Just a follow up.  But he came up with some good ideas how to improve her digestion.  Her truck needs a new battery or a new alternator.  No biggie...  but we took my car cause of that.  Gonna get her's fixed in the new week.  Then I realized that my license plate tags were expired.  I had not driven my car in awhile and had not been aware I needed new tags.  But I lucked out and no police man saw me before I made it down to the county/city building and got that taken care of.  Stopped at Walmart briefly to buy V8.  And there you have the day.  Took a nap too as I slept almost not at all last night.  Some nights are like that.  I don't generally have trouble sleeping.  Just every now and then. 

Well that is all.  Time to go . 

current mood: content

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Thursday, December 27th, 2012
8:52 pm - It is Mom's Birthday if she was still with us....
Thought I would post some of her recipes....  These were from another journal I don't use much any more.  Originally posted in the fall of 2008.


I was going
through some boxes brought up now that I am settled in a dry location.
(Last two winters were spent in a less than dry location.) And I came
upon my Mother's old recipe box. Now she was not much on fancy cooking.
So she only had a few favorite recipes. Mostly having to do with
Thanksgiving. But they were good ones. And so I am going to be putting
them up over the next few days.

Here are the first

Myrna Challender's :


Canned fruit
Drain and reserve juice of:

2 medium cans
fruit cocktail

1 large can of peaches (dice peaches)
1 medium can of
pears (dice)

1 large can of pineapple chunks (cut in half)
1 small bottle
of maraschino cherries (cut in halves)

Fresh fruit
2 medium red
delicious apples peeled and diced into small pieces

8 large bananas
Large bunch of
red grapes seeded (if not seedless) and cut in halves

1 to 1 1/2 cups
walnuts chopped small

Homemade whipped cream with sugar and

About 4 heaping serving spoonfuls of CoolWhip (to

In large bowl mix all ingredients. Adding a small
amount of reserved juice from canned fruit if too dry. Let set a few
hours or overnight to let flavors mellow. Stir again just before

Will make a whole lot.


Poultry Dressing

19 and 1/2 oz (or there abouts)
pre-seasoned dressing mix (Myrna used Mrs. Wrights)

1/4 teaspoon
poultry seasoning

1/4 teaspoon powdered sage
Big pinch dried

1 can cream of mushroom soup
1 8oz can mushroom pieces (drained
but reserve juice)

4-5 stalks celery
1 med onion (or 1
bunch green onions)

1 can drained olives
1 or 2 lbs bacon
1 or 2 cubes

Cut bacon into small pieces. Cook till done but not crispy. Dice
onions and cut celery into pieces. Remove bacon from pan leaving
drippings. Stir fry onion and celery in bacon drippings until med soft
-- or until they look sort of clear. Cut olives into halves. Melt
butter. Mix all ingredients except butter and reserved mushroom juice
together in large pan. Add about half of butter. Mix together. Check
consistency. Dressing should form clumps when a handful is picked up
and squeezed in hand. Add more butter if necessary. Mix and test
again. If still not holding into a ball add some of the mushroom juice
and/or water until ball holds when formed.

Bake as desired.

Another Recipe

A friend was asking about a recipe
today. And it reminded me of one of my Mom's recipes. This was one to
make the dollar stretch. But it did not lose anything in the process.
It was one of her most loved recipes when I was growing up. It is a
very informal recipe. Just adjust amount to suit what you have or what
you like.

Fill a big pan
about half with water.

- -

Coarsely chop up as many
onions as you like. She used lots of onions. Like 4 or 5 big ones.

- - -
Add potatoes chopped up. Again whatever your preference. She
added lots.

- - -
Cook everything till tender.
- - -
Here I would adjust the recipe for the times. She added canned
evaporated milk at this point. But she used it because it was cheap
back then. Not sure that is the case any more. Though maybe you guys
out there could find a better source than I have. What I would try at
this point is powdered milk if trying to save money. Dissolve it in
cool water making it a little strong. Then add to the soup. Or if you
have it, fresh milk is lovely.

- - -
Then bring
everything back to nice and hot.

- - -
Serve with a
pat of butter or margarine. And crackers or bread.

This stuff was so good. I am going to have
to get some powdered milk and see if it works in soups. I have been
curious about that. I know Mom liked the canned evaporated. But that
seems more expensive than fresh milk. At least up here where I live.

More recipes are still coming. I just got
distracted with life. Ya know...

One More...

Mom used to
make this sometimes. Again fairly economical.

Make oatmeal extra
thick. Mom used to do this when making breakfast so that she could use
the leftovers as to be described.

- - -
Put leftovers in a
bread pan and leave to sit for a few hours. This will let it get even
thicker. And will form a loaf.

- - -
Turn the bread pan
upside down and the oatmeal will usually fall out at a solid loaf.
Slice into fairly thick slices. About as thick as a slice of bread.

- - -
Put a little oil
in a frying pan and heat. When hot put in a slice and fry it till hot
through and the outside is crispy and brown. Brown both sides.

- - -
Do the same with
the other slices. Serve.

She would serve this instead of a meat
dish at lunch. And it was really really really good. I 'd try a
little cheese on top. And that would add a complete protein too. Or
sometimes she would serve this the next day instead of bacon with eggs
for breakfast. A good start to the day.

Mom was a good

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5:42 pm - Well... Long time since I posted here...
Been thinking and thought perhaps I should start posting again.  I've said that before.  But this time I plan to go ahead and keep with it.  Journals are such useful things. One can go back through them and find reference points for when things happen.  It is surprising how much things run together in a person's head if they don't have a reference.  It is like...  Event A happened.  But a few months or years later you cannot quite remember when Event A happened.  But you can remember that Event A happened right after you went to visit your Aunt Son-in-so.  If you wrote about your visit with Aunt So-in-so...  Then you know when Event A happened. 

So journals are good.  They make mileposts for the road of life. 

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Friday, May 27th, 2011
1:43 pm - Is this crazy...?
Is this crazy?

A mature well educated college gratuate who is a retired school teacher. Not (as far as I know) a religious fanatic. She is Christian but not in a fanatic way. A person who is intelligent and I comment again -- well educated.

Is it crazy if this person after spending a few days with you (she is a relative by marriage) on a road trip... Claims that you are a witch? And I wish to specify here. She was not accusing me of my religion being Wicca. She did, in fact, mean "witch" in the fantasy, "Bell, Book and Candle" meaning of the word.

She said I talked telepathically with my dog and that the dog was not a dog but my "familiar." A relative by blood who was also on the trip tried to explain to her that I had trained my dog to obey hand signals. And that I was using those to signal commands to my dog. She did not accept this and continued to claim I was a "witch" in the magic and sorcery meaning of the word.

This is crazy behavior isn't it?

current mood: confused

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Saturday, May 14th, 2011
8:39 pm - Perfection...
I was listening to a song.  One of the lines in the song goes something like...  "I know I am perfect. I don't exist."  Or something close to that.  I am not sure if this is what the singers of that song meant to say with their words.  But that line always reminds me of someone I know.  Two someone's actually.  A Mother and Daughter.  They care so much about what people see when they look at them.  At the appearance they present to others.  They care so much about the state of their yard, what car they drive, the designer makeup or handbag...  That they don't exist.  They literally do not exist.  All that exists is the image they see reflected in their "friend's" eyes.  The real person they could be has become invisible under their goal to attain perfection.  And, Heaven Forbid!  Should they ever completely attain the perfection they seek...  Then they truly won't exist.  They will become nothing but an animated picture in a magazine. 

current mood: sad

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